is money to blame?
Posted by bex on June 19th, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
Today I was confronted with some serious self-analysis relating to my reactions to a man in my life, and my perception of him in an act of submission to another strong, powerful woman. My reaction has been a bit disturbing, but mostly because I can’t find the exact place to categorize how I feel.
Personally, I struggle with the implications of a predilection towards submissive bedroom behavior while I tend towards a bad habit of being domineering in the day-to-day activities of my most intimate relationships. I expect a certain level of respect from the men in my life, but if I perceive a man to be “too” submissive (or, apparently, as being submissive to another woman), it becomes an instant turn off.
It leads me to wonder if this is due to my past work in the phone sex and online porn industry. I have seen submissive men do some of the most disgusting and degrading things imaginable, and pay more for it in the span of a few hours than I paid for 3 years of university education. The business was alternatively exhilarating (and profitable!) then soul-sucking, and often left me feeling great despair about the state of humanity. I think, all in all, it was the kicker that finally stopped me from claiming the title of feminist, because I felt it negated the oppression experienced by men every day and suggested somehow that they are freer than I. I saw none of this in the sex industry. I saw a lot of humans taking advantage of a lot of other humans who were lost and scared (some in a client/service-provider relationship, and some in a boss/employee relationship), and men certainly did NOT have the monopoly on the being manipulative and oppressive. Money rules this world, and while the experience taught me piles about the world of sexual diversity, it also revealed to me some seriously broken souls I wanted only to heal.
Why do I long to inhabit the submissive role but reject it when I recognize it in a man? How can I learn to inhabit both Dominant and submissive roles, and manifest the entire spectrum in my life – and allow my partners the same freedom?
the may queen and her consort: a ritual at beltane
Posted by bex on May 15th, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
this ritual was performed as a celebration of the season, the night before our wedding ceremony. it is a mashup of several other beltane rituals available online, along with bits and pieces of my own creation. enjoy.
Court and their Dress
May Queen – white dress, flowers in a willow crown
Consort – mask with horns; cloak of leaves, moss, bark, fungus, etc. covering satyr pants or loin cloth and fresh verdent foliage
handmaidens:
Air – yellow and/or white garments
Fire – red/orange/black garments
Water – blue garments
Earth – green/brown/black garments
Red Men: – satyr pants/loin cloth/sarong with horns, possibly red body paint, etc.
Blue Man: – cloak
Priestess: “Welcome, friends. Tonight we gather in preparation, to call into ourselves the energies of the season which will give us the strength to enact our Rite of Law in this place. This is the time when sweet desire weds wild delight. The Maiden of Spring and the Lord of the Waxing Year will meet in the greening fields and rejoice together under the warm sun. The tree of life becomes intwined in her spiral web and all of nature is renewed. We meet now in the time of flowering, to dance the dance of life.”
Priestess (Ps): “Nature spirits, fairies all, hearken now our Beltane call;
Join us in our revelry as we dance on this May Eve.
Feathered winds come dance with us
Lift us from the ground.
Join our waltz, our spirits freed
As we’re upward bound.”
Priest (P): “Tongues of flame come jump with us
Ye purifying fires,
Join our joy, our playful glee
As we move yet higher.
Ps: “Tears from seas, come sing with us
Roll from out the caves,
Join our verse, our bodies cleansed
In your healing waves.”
P: “Mother Earth come laugh with us
Set aside your toils,
Join our chant of valley green
Secure us in rich soil.”
Both: “Earth and Air, Fire and Sea
We call you all, come play.
The Beltaine Rites have begun,
and we dance with the Queen of May!”
P:
“By bud of leaf and bud of flower
By running stream & lovers bower
Goddess of Spring, of Maidens Call
We invoke thee
By sacred well and sacred flame
By sovereign stone and field of grain
Goddess of Spring, Queen of May
We invoke thee
By scent of spring that carries our prayer
By fertile fields and snow white mare
Goddess of Spring of Morning Dew
We invoke thee
By Greenwood paths & scented leaves
Come dance as Queen, on Beltane eve
Descend into thy servant and priestess
Goddess of Spring we invoke thee.”
Ps:
“By standing stone and twisted tree
by nameless shrine and moonless sea,
God of Spring, of hoof and horn,
We invoke thee
By hazel, willow, ash and oak
by thorny crown and ivy cloak
God of Spring, Oak King
We invoke thee
By the Belfire smoke that carries our prayer
By the silent stag and swift spring hare,
God of Spring, of Bursting Seed
We invoke thee.
By midnight dark and rustling leaves
Come dance as King, on Beltane eve
Descend into thy servant and priest
God of Spring we invoke thee.”
Ps: “Tonight is the lusty eve of May, a night to celebrate and to create as the Lord and Lady join as one in the dance of life! Come, and let us share the dance, the relentlessly turning wheel of life, death and rebirth.”
All: “Seed of what I wish to be: Grow and bud and bloom in me” (chanting)
Ps: (singing) “Weave, spin, dance your cares away,
The spirit fire is alive to your entrancing,
Weave, spin, dance into the May,
The earth and sky are wed as you are dancing.
Spiraling into the center
The center of our soul
We are the weavers, we are the woven ones
We are the dreamers, we are the dream.”
Ps, to each participant:
“Blessed be thy feet, that you may come to the Sacred Places;
Blessed be thy sacrum, that lights the flame / fills the well of Sacred Spaces;
Blessed be thy breast, that your heart beats with the Sacred Drums;
Blessed be thy lips, that you may speak in Sacred Tongues;
and Blessed be thy mind, that you may see with Sacred Eyes.”
Each participant receives the five-golf-kiss, and a gift, then returns to the circle.
Ps: “I am She who graces the wild woods.
I make life renew within the land.
Fertile fields are my domain,
and all who look upon my face are reborn.
My voice is the gentle wind.
I teach the leaves my song,
and they sing of peace and new life.
I am the memory of pure white snow
graced with shoots of green.
My birth was gentle, and yours may be also.
Maiden I am! Virgin I am!
Remember me when passions overwhelm.
Darkness and light are met within me.
I am the threshold unknown,
the mystery of fertility yet untested.
I am the gateway to the beginning,
and I stand guard at the time of endings.
I am spring, I am power, I am Goddess!”
This brings loud hoots and hollers from the Red Men and Greenman who have reached the fire, and are circling the May Queen and her crowd, building the energy and inciting lust and lasciviousness in the onlookers. Their attempts at reaching the May Queen are thwarted by the White Women who protect her. The Greenman, unable to contain his lust for the Lady, charges her Warrior Maidens and is slain with their (papier mache) swords. He lies dead near the fire and the White Maidens go to his side.
The Blue Man:
“The Oak King is dead. He has died of his love for the Lady that the Earth may live. So has it been for year after year, since time began. But the Oak King, the God of the Waxing year, must live so the crops in the Earth can come forth. We feed the flames with his flesh, and the sacred Belfire shall revive him, that he may claim his Queen. May his seed cover the land so that the Earth shall bring forth her fruit!”
The handmaidens strip him of his cloak and mask, revealing a fresh new Greenman underneath. His outer garments are cast into the fire. The Queen turns him onto his back, and gives him the five-fold kiss.
“Blessed be thy feet, that you may come to the Sacred Places; (his feet wiggle)
Blessed be thy sacrum, that lights the flame / fills the well of Sacred Spaces; (His legs & hips stir)
Blessed be thy breast, that your heart beats with the Sacred Drums; (his fingers stir, the Queen rests her ear over his heart)
Blessed be thy lips, that you may speak in Sacred Tongues; (he takes in a deep breath)
and Blessed be thy mind, that you may see with Sacred Eyes.” (his eyes open)
He stirs, then kneels before the Queen, returning the 5-fold kiss.
Standing he says:
“Altar of mysteries manifold,
The sacred Circle’s secret point
Thus do I sign thee as of old,
With kisses of my lips anoint.”
Ps: “With the powers of my heart, soul, mind and flesh, I give my love to you.”
P: “With the powers of my heart, soul, mind and flesh, I give my love to you.”
Ps: “The time has come for all to worship. Let there be nothing but love in this temple!”
P: “Fill us with love!”
The couple embracesand instructs the audience that if they have items to charge during the ritual to do so now, and gifts that they wish to give during ritual may be charged with the energies we are building and presented to the couple before the simple feast.
P:
“Open for me the secret way,
The pathway of intelligence,
Beyond the gates of night and day,
Beyond the bounds of time and sense.
Behold the mystery aright
The five true points of fellowship….
Here where Lance and Grail unite,
And feet, and eyes, and breast, and lip.”
Queen & Consort kiss. The drummers begin to drum and the Queen begins to dance. Consort follows her, and they circle the fire round. They begin to chant: “As we become one, we are one. As we are one, we become one.”
Red Men, Maidens and revelers may join in, building energy, dancing and/or drumming.
As the drumming and dancing reaches the highest energy point, the Queen speaks: “Behold, our love is at its peak. Let every creature withold not a drop of love!”
At this point, the drummers will bring their beats to a strong close (one final hard beat – no tapering off).
All: “We give all to the Gods!”
After the act and energies release, the couple will accept any gifts presented by the audience. Gifts are given and accepted. The couple proclaims: “Love is the greatest gift of all. We bless you and thank you for your gifts of love!”
With The Court all in the center of the circle, around the fire, the horn will be filled with mead, and a plate of bread broken.
Priestess: “We give you the first fruits of all our love!” and pours libations to the ground.
Priest: “We give you the first fruits of all our love!” and breaks bread onto the ground.
The couple, both holding the horn, shall proclaim “May we never thirst!” and the audience will answer the same. He shall lift the horn to her lips, than she to his, and the horn shall be passed around the crowd. The couple together raise the plate in the air and proclaim “May we never hunger!” and the audience answers. They feed each other, and then pass the bread to their Court and around the circle.
Thanks is given to the dieties (Priest):
“Thanks be to the Greenman, and the Queen of May;
All life is your own,
All fruits of the Earth
Are fruits of your womb,
Your union, your dance.
Lady and Lord, We thank you for
blessings and abundance.
Join with us, Feast with us, Enjoy with us!
Blessed Be.”
The elements are thanked (Priestess):
“Earth and Air, Fire and Sea
leave if you must, or stay
Wild spirits of this place,
come dance in the month of May!”
Here endeth the Rite – let the revelry ensue!
Poem-A-Day Challenge: April 8th, “Routines”
Posted by bex on April 8th, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
couch junkie
~~~~~~~~
i used to watch “so you think you can dance”,
sitting cross-legged on the living room floor,
rolling from one gentle yoga stretch to the next
’till i was limber and ready for the olympic pool
just a warm-up-walk away
i took tai chi at the library each wednesday.
disenchanted downtown youth don’t swim,
or ‘carry tiger to the mountain’
and the floors in my basement apartment
are cold and hard and unforgiving.
they say it only takes 21 days
of repetition to make or break a habit.
Poem-A-Day Challenge: April 6th, “Missing”
Posted by bex on April 6th, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
fertility
~~~~
i stopped taking the pills
after too many months
of not feeling.
like “mood stabilisers”
with no highs, and no lows
I felt abandoned
by the tides of the moon.
but with balance comes chaos,
my body unpredictable,
and dangerous with its powers
to create.
The full moon passes,
and every day I do not bleed
is another spent
lost in my mysteries. Missing.
Poem-A-Day Challenge: April 5th, “Landmark”
Posted by bex on April 5th, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
the most beautiful place i’ve never been
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the appalachians call to me
like the ridge of your breasts
on a balmy may afternoon
their spring waters
trickling through the fissures
like the bead of sweat
dripping from your freckled face
catching, for just a moment,
in the hollow of your collarbone
only to spill inevitably over your heart
and dissappear into the valley below.
Poem-A-Day Challenge: April 4, “Animal”
Posted by bex on April 4th, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
serpent
~~~~~~~
curled at my feet, quiet
the serpent sleeps.
but your breath in my ear stirs him.
he rises, heating my body
from the bottom up.
with your fiery kiss, muladhara blooms.
your hands, your tongue
snakeskin on my sacrum
your eyes a window to your own manipura.
his tongue flickering,
between my breasts,
lighting the fires of anahata in my bosom.
around my throat,
just enough pressure
to make me gasp for you, and shiver.
my eyes blind,
the serpent can rest,
his head my crown and I your Queen!
Poem-A-Day Challenge: April 3rd, “The Problem With ______”
Posted by bex on April 3rd, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
the problem with the paradox
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the problem with the paradox is in the middle,
“an enigma, cloaked in mystery, wrapped in a riddle”.
in one hand is life,
in the other, death
but the cat always plays second fiddle!
Poem-A-Day Challenge: April 2nd, “Outsider”
Posted by bex on April 2nd, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
mystery school
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
the dedicants approach, heads bowed in silent prayer.
devotions spill from their bright painted lips,
carried away on whispers of wind
through the oak grove,
snaking around the pillars of a hidden temple.
they sing and chant, annoint and embrace,
those same dewy lips marking the aura
at feet, knees, womb, heart, lips and brow.
and drink deeply,
as the Chalice of her love overflows.
I sit, in the dense ancient forest of my mind.
thousands of miles, and thousands of years
blurring the way to the source of Her mysteries.
Reveal the Path!
great Priestess of the sacred temple whore.
To Participate:
http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/
Poem-A-Day Challenge: April 1st, “Origins”
Posted by bex on April 1st, 2009 filed in ramblingsComment now »
initiation
~~~~~~~~~~
out of swirling, bubbling chaos -
a torrent slicing through bedrock -
She arises. A phoenix of black flame,
the Queen of Heaven & Earth
has conquered the chambers of Death.
naked and radiant
she returns to her throne,
to her people.
into searing, scorching brightness -
Icarus at the edge of the Sun -
She dances. A mystery of white light,
Inanna: Goddess, Priestess and Whore
has illuminated the records of Time.
shining and brilliant
her eyes stare into mine,
and I know her.
To Participate:
http://blog.writersdigest.com/poeticasides/
more re: mothering
Posted by bex on March 20th, 2009 filed in ramblings1 Comment »
[in response to soon-to-be-published works]
My fears about my capabilities in motherhood are, aside from the obvious physical, rooted in sex, death, and magick. I would love to say “I will never lie to my child”, but all things are true in some ways, false in some ways, and meaningless in some ways. I suppose my goal, then, would be to teach them that.
My task, as Mother and Priestess, is to raise a child (within an intentional community) with communicative, comprehensive, maturity-based interactions. I don’t believe in setting boundaries for children based on numerical age, but I do believe that communication and interaction are driven by biology and these human interactions must evolve along those biological lines during the constant cycles of change in the human body. This means that I do not believe it healthy or sane to hide sexuality, death or magick from infants, toddlers, children, youth, adolescents, or young adults.
I truly believe that in most cases the consumption of material the US courts deem to be “obscene”, media regulated and judged for “artistic, educational, scientific, or medical” merit, a “controlled substance” like drugs or guns, found in thousands of internet nooks and crannies, are a response of the Jungian shadow self which truly longs for the ancient heart of tribal community and initiation. How can a woman who has never been initiated into the Red Tent, sweat with her sisters, been taught the Sacred Stories and all the Womanly Arts ever become more than a sexual child? I’m sure the same is true for men….
But we have no Priestesses, no Woman’s Place over the mountains where maidens would trek to celebrate their blossoming and hear the women talk of life and love and bliss. Instead we let the children run the show, their Shadows dancing & running wild, desire of an adult fully manifest in a child’s mind and no idea how to turn the key and walk into Heaven. Participating in this wild chaos made digital is counterproductive to co-creating the community that I seek, and for which I believe you hope. Looking for that in the screen-that-is-a-mirror…. if you are finding it there, it is only because you find it within. You don’t need to participate in destruction to remeber, and make it manifest.
We already know these things… and I can’t begin to imagine how others have experienced the lack of initiation and what they have become out of that suffering. I don’t know the ways that becoming a man is difficult, and want to share with others the ways that becoming a woman is difficult for me. To do that, we need to trust each other with the Shadow selves who run our lives and take responsibility for our actions as individuals and as community.
In six weeks, I will be initiated from Maiden to Lover, and I feel as if I should be preparing myself with rigorous dietary, physical, emotional and spiritual exercises, but I feel lost and alone on this journey. Can I truly hope for a future where I can raise a child in the community of my dreams, teach and guide them without judgement and persecution from States who may attempt to claim them? I fear it isn’t likely.